Vancouver Verse

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2010 Handbook for Entering Canada

For Howard White

Are you bring­ing any fruits or veg­eta­bles into Canada?

Have you vis­ited a farm in the last 30 days?

Are you now or have you ever been a mem­ber of a group that dis­agreed with government?

Do you intend to ride the zip line?

Do you approve of prod­uct place­ment in movies?

Do you like my uniform?

Are you bring­ing into Canada any cur­rency and/or mon­e­tary instru­ments of a value totalling CAN$10,000 or more per person?

Have you ever assaulted a police offi­cer with a stapler?

In describ­ing my uni­form, would you say that it a) inspires respect or b) breeds contempt?

Have you ever dreamed of shoot­ing a fas­cist dic­ta­tor off a Spanish balcony?

Do you approve of John Furlong?

Can you give me an exam­ple of the words in your head and how they might be used while in Canada?

Do you vote?

Are you now or have you ever been a per­son who car­ries MasterCard?

Were you aware of the Oka upris­ing, and if so, whose side were you on?

Remind me again about the zip line.

Do you read poetry?

Do you believe in home­less­ness as a right of the people?

If you were Canadian, and if it were pos­si­ble to do so, would you vote for John Furlong?

Does the colour of your socks match the colour of your pants?

Do your chil­dren own an effigy, stuffed or oth­er­wise, of the Olympic mascot?

Our pre­mier rode the zip line. Did you see that? It looks awesome.

Please arrange the fol­low­ing terms in order of pref­er­ence, start­ing with the least impor­tant: Health Care, Education, the Environment, Homelessness, Logo Placement at Sporting Events.

Do you now or have you ever owned a copy of Raffi’s Baby Beluga?

Do you own a cell phone?

Are you car­ry­ing any printed mat­ter that illus­trates same-sex love?

Are you bring­ing into Canada any firearms or other weapons?

Did you know that each year, more Canadians trust RBC Royal Bank® for their mort­gage solu­tions than any other provider?

What is the total mon­e­tary value of the goods you will be leav­ing in Canada?

Let’s go back to my uni­form for a minute, you gotta admit it’s pretty fuck­ing awesome.

Do you or have you ever lis­tened to Democracy Now?

Can you fin­ish the fol­low­ing sen­tence? Baby bel­uga in the deep blue ______________.

What colour is your heart?

Do you believe in global warming?

Have you ever pur­chased No Name brand prod­ucts? You know, the ugly yel­low ones?

If while in Canada you were tasered, would you be upset or go into car­diac arrest?

Do you sup­port an inter­na­tional unelected and roam­ing fourth tier of gov­ern­ment as set out by a non-existent char­ter of the
IOC?

If your gov­ern­ment acted against the prin­ci­ples of democ­racy, would you be com­pelled to action or would you just tell your
friends you are miffed?

Do you ever expe­ri­ence emo­tions stronger than miffment?

If some­one you knew spoke up against your gov­ern­ment, would you a) lis­ten or b) think that was a lit­tle weird?

Which of the fol­low­ing does not fit? Osama bin Laden, Louis Riel, Chris Shaw, Gordon Campbell.

When asked, will you keep the flow of traf­fic mov­ing smoothly?

How long will you be staying?

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